Pre-Pandemic Mom Lives

Just show up and keep moving.

An all too known story of Logistics, Tantrums, Survival and Growing, Grasping and finding ground. 

I’ve been at my same employer for almost 10 years now and after my first baby came along and even prior to her joining us, I knew that with my 90 minute commute both ways, I desired and longed for more flexibility while I figured out how to manage what I refer to as the mother load of working outside the home.  I had already been doing one day a week from home and our leadership at the time was fairly flexible since our work was fluid and lots of folks traveled. After my maternity leave, I asked for two days a week working remotely and even though there was still so much to handle with working outside the home from my perspective, I found that I could “bank” on the those days to get appointments in, find mental clarity in my week and work towards finding some sort of work life integration as I navigated it. So for the next two years this was my schedule and I was still doing a lot of soul searching in motherhood navigating all these changes week to week, month to month etc.  Fast forward to getting pregnant with my second and a new boss and leadership coming in.  Let’s just say that working remotely and flexibility was not embraced culturally and so I struggled quite a bit like many mothers trying to negotiate flexibility. Many often find themselves leaving their roles all together and the story is pretty common after the next babies come. 

Well, unfortunately, I couldn’t take this pivot or shift as we needed my salary to support our home, expenses and daycare. I found myself in an emotional story not understanding the “why” of not having flexibility and autonomy over my schedule when I knew it could be successfully done with no loss in productivity or output.  So, I went back to work in August after Zoe was born to a grueling schedule. I went back to 5x a week full time (due to leadership removing the remote days), no flexibility and a pretty rigid situation in my eyes. This would mean very little time with my two little ones and I had a lump in my throat knowing what it was going to be like.  If I’m being honest, I was downright angry and mad I had to “hide” that I had two kids under 4 and needed to make my 8-4 pm schedule which meant me leaving at 7 am to get my train and have every detail and piece “figured out” to a tea so that shit woudn’t fall apart. And 8-4 sounds like a nice schedule if you’re local but I wouldn’t be walking in the door til 6 pm. By 6 pm, parents and kids are shattered and the show must go on, dinner, baths, bedtime routines. This was an extremely exhausting time in my life. I even asked my neighbor to come by for 2 hours in the morning to try to piece together the meltdowns of trying to get our oldest dressed and out the door by 7 am or before. What toddler really wants to do this? Is this struggle worth it? (In my eyes, no, but this is what we needed to do).  There were lots of tears. I read so many articles about how toddlers struggle to get out the door. I went on facebook groups to hear what others said. I called friends to ask them too, and they listened and provided support but even some working moms were like, it’ll be the most challenging year of your life, but you got this. It builds resilience and they’ll see you have a job and role model skills etc. But, you know what, I just wanted it to be over. I was done with the rushing. I was done with trying to fit that tight schedule. The tears. The angst with my husband trying to cobble the kids together to the next place, daycare or my moms. What gives? And I know for so many, they tell you the years are short and that ‘this too shall’ pass but while you’re in it boy, it couldn’t be farther from what you’re going through. Then, by the time I actually got myself to work, I was pumping 3x per day. Not in an office because I shared with 3 other people...to start I walked to another building for the first month as there was no pumping space in my building, so that meant 9 am , 12pm , and 3 pm. This of course was a choice that I made as well of the way I wanted to feed my baby but again, all of this needs to be scheduled to the minute because that’s the way our workforce is and how very little support we have for women that just have had babies and are going through transition.  And, this wasn’t where the anxiety and stress ended. After my second came, I had pelvic floor issues, the kind no one tells you to get checked out, you just know something is off, so this journey began at the same time. I asked my boss about needing to go to appointments once a week for my health and that was frowned upon since I had already been out on maternity leave for several months, so now my health needed to take a back seat even though my healing was necessary for me to get back on track. This was the first sign where I truly felt things were starting to get difficult, overwhelming and that feeling like I’m not a fit in this position or job anymore. It’s too much. But, like all things I needed to keep showing up and not living by feeling bad for myself. I scheduled my Pelvic Floor appointments after work. I started Acupuncture to help with some of the trauma and healing in my body and began that process of self compassion and trying to find new ways. New ways out of survival. There were so many train rides into Boston that I was barely awake with all my pumping gear and hanging on by a thread, but no one at work would ever have a clue what was going on in my life mentally or personally.  That’s just the way many productive and intelligent women in the northeast show up. They continue to march on. So what’s important and relevant to all of this? 

Even though I’m quite intuitive, I had no idea a global pandemic was on the way. I did have a feeling on new years that 2020 was going to be my year in some way or form but I will tell you this pandemic has unveiled so many of my struggles and day to day nuances that have literally shifted and changed our lives in three months.  Just to name a few, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WORKING REMOTELY.  This was a small little request that I had been making for several years but this request didn’t “sit well” in their laps. A place that was only accustomed to tried and true traditional ways of working. Working remotely is not only a huge benefit to working mothers, it’s a huge benefit for all. We all have lives to live and limited time. And ironically, now all colleges and university course work is being done online. Interesting to me that so many didn’t think it could be done in this medium. Well, when emergency hits, pretty much anything can get the wheels turning, including making decisions about layoffs and furloughs. But, I still see my furlough as a gift, and invitation to re-set and see what’s next. And I also have great gratitude to be able to write about my story that I locked up for awhile and now seems like the best time to fully express it.

We all just got back the gift of time in our lives. Living in the moment. Embracing those that are within our homes. Learning new ways to live. New ways to be with ourselves and our family.  

We are without commutes, eating at home, taking care of ourselves the best we can, and thinking about what we want to keep pre-pandemic and what we want to de-clutter or find a new way. And all of this is not going to be done in a day or even a few years. There are many shadows. Much work in areas that make us feel very uncomfortable. And there’s not to many places to escape. The amount of processing that needs to go on in this pandemic is monumental, but that changes that we are seeing as individuals, collectively and for our planet may have better outcomes for our future. I am hopeful.

So that was me in 2019, a strung-out, anxiety-ridden mom trying to find my way and problem solve challenges that was an uphill battle. So for those that are just grinning and bearing it, good for you, but for many, I think this pre-corona life was just flat out exhausting and not sustainable.

And what I learned from it? Continue to be you. Show up. Things will shift and change. Speak your truth. Everything has a season and a time. And just for today. Just be.