How to live sustainably with young children in 3 steps
As we open the school year another September is upon us. As August closes out, most working moms see the emails come in fast and furious and the “plotting” of activities, academic year schedules, and extracurriculars all get filled in. Some use shared color-coded calendars and everything seems to get dotted and marked for the year.
Do you know what isn’t loaded and locked? Moms Wellbeing.
Pre-pandemic, I remember so well that nagging feeling and low-level anxiety of the ‘rat’ race. It was the beginning of a new school year. I knew so well what it felt like to be programmed into the typical emotions of being so robotic in the “rinse and repeat” cycle of being a Human Giver and not paying attention to my wants, needs, and desires. We are conditioned to hardly think about our own needs while raising a young family.
So as we open up this school year, I’d like to share with you a bit about some tools and tips I use to support my wellbeing for the long term.
It resembles a Wellbeing Sandwich. The way it works is taking micro-moments (slice of bread) + micro shifts (slice of bread) + micro event(s)(peanut butter/jelly) = More Full Wellbeing tank. (The whole sandwich)
Let’s start with intention. Somewhere along the line, you say to yourself, enough is enough. We need to try something different than what we’re doing.
There has to be a Mindset shift of your desire to support yourself and your wellbeing. So, this is a critical step. How can I lead today with my wellbeing in mind? How can I lead the month with my wellbeing in mind? How can I lead the next 3-6 months with my wellbeing in mind?
Next, it’s important to think about a few simple ways you can look at your wellbeing in your day, in your month, and your next three to six months.
Let’s look at the terms that help us do that.
Step 1
Micro-Moment: Something you do for 2-5 minutes to re-center you in your day. A Meditation. Grab a cup of tea. Something intentional to calm your nervous system and tend to your needs. No need to overthink this. It can be simple stuff. The idea is that you’re aware that you’re giving yourself this moment and time to recognize it. It’s for you.
Each day we have the opportunity to do something in a micro-moment.
Step 2
Micro-Shift: Something you do for yourself in a 20-30 minute block. I recommend doing it in your morning routine. On a lunch break (actually take one), or during bedtime, or after work. The idea is that you are intentionally prioritizing yourself at different points of your day. You are teaching your mind and body that pausing and taking care of your wellbeing matters.
To start, build this in your calendar 2-3 times a week and put it in your calendar. Then see what shifted for you after the week.
Step 3
Micro-Event: Something you do for yourself that is scheduled within a month. It could be a doctor's appointment. It could be something nourishing for you. A massage, acupuncture, therapy, a joy activity, etc. The idea is that it is "coupled" with the micro shifts (20 minutes). Examples: power nap, stretches, journaling, walking, listening to podcast, reading an article… something you enjoy!
There is only so much “time” in our schedules so it does take some commitment to say “yes” to something for you and “no” to family events or other things that can take up the weekend.
To start, try this out where you schedule one thing for yourself in a month. You put it on your calendar and (hopefully!) look forward to it.
Ideally, you can look at a 1-3 month period and sprinkle a few micro-events for yourself.
You will use the micro-shift formula every day but to start, you are building the "muscle" or habit. If your mind gets in the way or you get derailed by kid stuff or other things, pick it up again the next day.
These are 3 ways you can “start” the process of unwinding out of the “hamster wheel” effect and the constant burnout you’ve been feeling. It’s in the simplicity of it that you can manage this on a day-to-day basis. Our lives are so distracting and we make many reasons that we may not “begin” or help ourselves but if you can find forty-five minutes to attend your child’s soccer game, you can carve out twenty minutes for yourself daily and also ‘sprinkle’ in one to two things for yourself over the next month or two.
What you are doing with this Microshift formula is building the muscle of habit. Telling your brain you matter. And then implementing it. If you’ve been burned out for a long time, this may not happen “overnight”, but you are starting the process of taking care of yourself, your wellbeing, your body, and tending to your needs. The best part, you don’t have to overhaul your life. You don’t have to feel like it’s a huge task. When you are overwhelmed and stressed, the last thing you want is to ‘add’ something else to the mix.
So many working moms know that their needs are not being met, but they don’t have a clear path of what they will do to meet them. There is so much mind drama on how to juggle work and taking care of yourself and also caretaking at home.
I get it, our lives are very full. They are also technologically “plugged” in way more than they need to be. Sometimes, we all have to get out of our way and turn down the external volume to do simple things. Example: take a walk, take a bath, sip some tea, do something that brings us joy, etc. When you start to do this, it’s not only beneficial to you, you will see behavioral changes in your kids because they see you are filling your cup. And guess what? They see a happier mom. That’s a huge benefit to you, your family, your employer or self-employed self, your community, and for our society.
When mom is doing well, all she touches begins to thrive.
If you find you fall off for a bit, go back to the initial intention. The goal…
How can I lead today with my wellbeing in mind?
This will help you create a boundary on things that may not be necessary. Then, you can re-shuffle the deck on your day or week. It creates some clarity around what you need that day, that month, or for the next few months.
I see so many working moms that are excellent at being the CEO of their homes, logistical masters, and incredibly nimble in making their homes run, but they often put their own needs on the back burner so much that they live in a constant state of exhaustion, fight or flight, and depleting themselves to no end.
What I want you to know is that you are NOT FAILING. This is not a measure of how well you “keep” up with the tasks in your home or outside the home. It’s completely unreasonable to think that ‘to-do list will ever be done. It will always grow and productivity is not measured by how much you achieve.
The other important factor to consider is that caretaking is physical and emotional and our capacities and energy shift day to day. I try to take extra care during periods when my kids are sick, teething, sleep regressions, or other times when my kids are dysregulated. In these moments, I try to become aware that if I am also dysregulated, I may need to take an extra twenty minutes or an hour to recoup from the kids feeling crummy. When thinking about wellbeing, you are thinking about the long game, not the short results.
It’s about the incremental steps. Progress over perfection, mamas! There will be times when you fall off when old patterns creep back in where you want to ‘do more, check more things off.
It is in that moment that you say gently to yourself,
“Hey mama, you’re going up that hamster wheel creek…”
How can I get back on track to remember what I need at this moment?
Do I need a few minutes?
Do I need to take a micro shift break or do I need a combination of things to help me get through this day or week?
What creates lasting wellbeing and sustainability is acknowledging that there is a sh*t ton of stuff to do every day with your partner and prioritizing your needs a bit (to lead the day, month, and year) while also being committed to your personal and professional life. Some seasons ask us to pour into ourselves quite a bit. Some seasons ask us to try to rest more than be trying to do many things. Some seasons, we have to adjust our lifestyles and schedules so they match our wellbeing needs.
In simple terms, you’re re-directing your energy to pour into yourself in small amounts so you don’t have a ‘burnout’ effect every few months. You take certain areas of your life that you want to work on and keep building from there.
We just started the month of September. It’s doable, to begin with, one of these now.
