40 things I’ve learned in motherhood…
I am coming up on the second anniversary of my coaching business and it feels like this year is the culmination of many things that I once wrote about in my journal. Things I put on paper. Some in dark moments and others in vague-like terms wondering how the pieces will fit together. I am turning forty this December and I can share that my journey to have three kids, a business, and finding my ‘happy’ doesn’t stop here because of age being a number. I feel grounded as I approach forty and I’m looking forward to what is to come.
I spent much of my thirties, wrestling with how to make things work (both personally and professionally), stuck in torn states, depressed with the inflexibility of my employer, being in mind drama of how to make it all work. Often living in my mind of the messy middle of life and career. Somehow from having my first child and the huge transformation experience it was in becoming a mother, I learned that I spent many of those early years for my first two kids living in fight or flight mode.
Many young parents live in that state. My heart and head were not connected at the time and I spent much of those years in a rinse-and-repeat cycle. Rushing. Trying to get my kids assembled to daycare, packing, and getting to work that my nervous system was burning the candle from both ends and I was not living mindfully or aligning my values with my truth at the time. Those were dark times. I remember seeing a colleague at work have her first baby and then learning that she was not going to return to work and stay home with her child. I remember thinking to myself, I have no idea how we could make that happen as a family with the high financial costs. And so, I dug deep. I started to figure out that I needed to take care of my health and well-being first and then I could start to think about how my chapter would shift.
What no one shares about motherhood is that your world turns upside down in how you blend and mix work with kids. It all ends up in the blender and you have to decide which parts of that whole you want to take out and use for your next chapter in that phase of life. And, much of it has to do with your capacity if you listen to it. You become a different version and kids will stretch you in many ways. Our support systems and villages are not always reliable or in place. We’ve lived through a pandemic in which we know that resources can be limited and we often have to lower our expectations. So we still are learning how to show up as our whole selves and integrate how our families impact our work and daily lives. There is no more apologizing for family. And, we must become unapologetic about our well-being and our boundaries so we can continue to show up as our best selves.
I can now say that it’s starting to take shape. The balance. The pace. The mindful moments. The mindful days. The rhythm. The breathing in space for my family. I had to take each of these steps intentionally and it didn’t come without much personal development, internal work, therapy, coaches, trusting myself, and habits and mindset work along the way. I also had to rewrite the story that I wanted to write for myself. One that wasn’t going to be my parents’ story or the previous generations. Carefully, breaking cycles and creating new ones so I could bring in the new ways of well-being and joy into my life.
We put a lot of labels on things like ages and milestone birthdays. I’m grateful for this year. I’m grateful for the connections I’ve made, for living in my purpose, and for the continual learning as I grow older. We often don’t love the aging process but for me, I feel I’m becoming more connected with myself. My truth and my authenticity.
I hope you’ll enjoy some of my learnings along the way these past several months.
Whether you work full time, part-time, are staying home, or are in the messy middle, it takes time to find the right formula with yourself and your family.
Since being laid off, it was a gift of growth and a big “push” for me to step into my gifts.
The way I begin my day in terms of routines and habits guides my day and life.
Small shifts to work on goals create wellbeing.
Wellbeing is not created overnight in this modern day age, you continually work on it.
Health is wealth. It has more grounded meaning to me than anything in form of material items.
When you work in your purpose, you light up.
If what you’re doing in your business isn’t working, you can pivot and change course.
You don’t have to rush or feel external pressure to build on someone else’s timeline.
It’s easy in the online world to compare. Everything in time will happen.
Trust the process.
Relationships and connections are the threads and seeds that create growth.
Connecting with others heals.
Boundaries are important.
Energy management is critical when you have a young family.
Lining up your values to meet your needs and your family takes time.
Having a focus on a goal or a priority instead of many is attainable.
Watering your marriage is hard and takes work, it won’t happen on its own.
Having another child is a new version of you.
You, your partner, and your family will experience change and transition as your family grows.
How you view money, abundance, scarcity, and lack are ongoing journeys many face.
Staying true to what you want matters more.
When you are happy and centered, your children notice.
Being present means more than activities, materialism and the things. Connect in the moment.
Keep friendships and people in your life that support, cheer you and fill you.
Everyone will have an opinion about your business, your next move, or what you may need, make sure you truly check in with what resonates for you.
Not everyone wants to build a business with speed, do what works for you.
There will be sacrifices you make in time, money, support, or otherwise while building a business. That formula will evolve and it’s important to see your values along the way.
Living modestly with wellbeing at the center is good for your family.
Giving your family space to breathe (in between events, activities, and ‘all the things’) helps cultivate down time for everyone. You guide whether you want to “be” in the rat race or not.
A life of “busy” doesn’t mean you’re happy.
We all have the same twenty four hours in a day. We have to choose wisely how and where we spend our time and energy.
Raising young children today with two full time working parents at the baseline is stressful. Creating a ‘buffer’ and working together to lean into each other at various times creates less tension.
While it’s hard to focus on your marriage with young children, a little bit goes a long way.
Our culture is overscheduled, productive mode mindset, and individualistic doesn’t mean you have to build your life that way.
Building wellbeing into your daily life can feel lonely at first. Many close to you may not understand it. Do it anyway. Do it so you never burn out again.
How your family runs on a daily basis affects your health, stress, and long term outcomes.
Keep asking for help.
Even if you are in a job or environment that you can’t see beyond the forest, challenge that there may be a better way.
When you heal as a mother, you heal your entire family.
There’s nothing better than the freeing feeling of showing up as you. Imperfectly always moving forward.
Going from working in higher education for years to entrepreneurship as a life coach wasn’t a linear path, but in these in between years I’ve been in, a pandemic, and growing my family, I’ve learned the true core value that when Mom is doing, all she touches truly thrives. As ambitious, courageous, and creative women come to meet this modern day life, it’s essential every day we are modeling that wellbeing is a part of our daily living. It’s a part of our joy. The wellness of our families and our lives!
Here’s to 40!
So grateful to be on this path with you. Look forward to this decade ahead!
My thanks to you for being a part of my journey and community!
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