Reflections of Rebirthing Spring
It’s been 3 years since we go back to that ominous day in March 2020 when I remember it was a Friday and it would have been the last day that I would have seen my office and my colleagues for a very long time.
It’s funny how life has so many twists and turns and when you least expect it, your circumstances can just change one day.
Before the pandemic hit that March, my second daughter Zoe was born in 2019 and was born prematurely. She came five weeks early. To say we weren’t ready was an understatement. But is anyone ever ready for the first, second, or third child to arrive?
I remember it clearly though, I had just given a presentation and I was on my way back from Back bay train station and just felt like something was a bit off. By the time I had gotten home and was doing the bedtime routine with Emma, my water broke.
My husband's response was, can’t we wait? We can’t go back from here? Nope, not when your water breaks, honey. Of course, a lot was running through my head about the baby and if I’d be ok delivering a month early, etc. There it was, March 29, 2019, we headed to Brigham in Boston and we delivered our baby girl, Zoe at 5 lbs 10 oz.
When we got discharged, we got home and were not even a week into settling home my sister-in-law (a nurse) was over and we thought the thermometers were broken because there was a major dip in her temperature. So I spoke to the doctor and they told me we needed to rush to the hospital immediately. So we did that without thinking further about what this all may mean. We got to our local hospital and they ran tests for the first few days to check for potential infections Zoe was in the incubator to keep her temperature up. After a few days at the local hospital, we decided we needed to kick it up to the Boston one, so we headed to MGH where she was monitored her temperature started to go up and all was looking good at this point.
As mothers, we go through a lot sometimes “unprocessed”...I tried to be strong through this whole thing. I needed my daughter to thrive and I just prayed and kept sending all my love and good vibes that things would work themselves out. Zoe needed to stay about a week at the hospital so her temperature could stabilize and regulate.
I remember returning home and feeling completely overwhelmed by the road ahead with my employer and how I was going to manage my well-being, working with two kids under 3, the commute, and my mental health.
Leadership had changed at my job and after this leave, I was told that I would need to return to the office five days a week and my “remote” days would be removed. I did what I could express the need for flexibility and it went on deaf ears to my supervisors and Human Resources. And because I had a ‘shared’ office with other team members, I would also need to go to another building to use the lactation room three times a day.
When January 2020 rolled around before anyone knew a pandemic was looming, that was when I drew the line in the sand. I made a clear decision for myself. If I didn’t have a flexible employer and I didn’t start to create boundaries and structure to how I would begin to take care of myself, no one was going to save me. That first year after Zoe was born was hard, physically, emotionally, and on every level. I hit every roadblock in trying to take care of myself when I felt like it was not supported or considered.
It was on the train one day when Zoe was about seven months that I saw a colleague in the seat next to me. She said, how are things going? I said, to be honest, I’m overwhelmed. I’m not sleeping and I’m still feeding in the middle of the night. She looked at me seriously and kindly and said, Christine, I think Zoe could probably drop that feed in the middle of the night and you could try to get some more rest. I had been walking around as a zombie and a completely burned-out, undernourished mom for so long that I couldn’t even see it. I felt so unsupported going to work every day that I felt like a robot just putting out fires and doing what I could to keep myself and my family going.
And then the entire world went remote in 2020. Something that I had been advocating for so long.
It did not feel like a coincidence that in a team of just six people, both #workingparents were the ones being furloughed and then eventually laid off. One of my most vivid memories during that time was being so incredibly stressed out trying to keep my two kids busy in the kitchen while trying to toggle meetings with my husband. My cortisol and stress were through the roof. I remember pushing back on a meeting time because it was difficult to maintain a certain time while my kids were home and it didn’t go over well. I ended up having to talk to the director about what my current situation looked like trying to work with a baby and a toddler. We literally had a water table in my kitchen and my husband and I were doing acrobatics trying to “work” and also not have childcare. It was at that moment that I truly saw that the “behind the scenes" lives of working parents go unnoticed.
So when I was furloughed that spring of 2020, it was an invitation for me to explore another avenue. And had that not happened, I’m not sure I would have jumped. Personal development, growth, and change are hard for humans. Motherhood has exposed a lot of areas that have brought out pleasing tendencies, fear, poor boundaries at times, self-worth, guilt, and a wide array of others. But what I know to be true is that had I not experienced these turbulent and challenging times, I may not have been able to serve and witness my community. I am so grateful that the slice of my universe that I experienced pre-pandemic is one that we are still working through. There are many challenges that #workingmoms face to take care of themselves and their families and we are all a part of this process to do better.
The formula is a unique one. Each person’s circumstances and goals are individual and we as a collective need a lot of support to get there. The postpartum period is a raw and vulnerable time and it’s not just a few months. I think back on my experiences over the past three years and it’s transformational and it’s taken a lot of daily habits, personal work, and change to get there.
So in 2021, I was officially laid off from my role of almost 11 years and I opened my coaching practice while also welcoming our third child, Alex. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t believe that I am part of the thread of making change for moms everywhere and our future children. We don’t go at this alone.
We have the opportunity to make choices each day. Big and small. We all have varied capacities in different seasons of life. Life is messy in the middle. Juggling raising a young family and working is challenging. When mom is doing well, everything in life begins to thrive and shift for the better. We can be a part of the solution and while there is so much work to do in our society as a whole, we do have to make choices that are aligned with our values so we can move through this one life we have the best way possible.
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Happy first day of spring!
Every spring I remember a few things about my middle child Zoe. She is my preemie and came in spring.
Zoe is a female given name: from a Greek word meaning “life.” I saw this from day one in a beautiful and grounded way.
She taught me about keeping a pace, keeping breathing, and keeping moving.
Even though you may think one thing could go one way, you always have to continue to learn, try new things, and flex muscles that aren’t so comfortable.
Trust the process.
A mother’s love and belief can heal anything.
