What I Wish I Knew About Marriage
Marriage after having young kids is the perfect storm of testing every ounce of your being, space, career, partnership, stress levels, and coping skills for finding a formula that works for you and your family.
During this chaotic and frenzied time of raising a young family, there is nothing constant or consistent. Change is inevitable every day, just like life. Distractions run very high and finding a rhythm and keeping a pace that works well is an ever-evolving process.
It hit me recently with my spouse that I just wanted to offload more of the mental and emotional load to my partner. And, we found that through the nitpicky and monumental tasks that are in the home, we both were pretty much at a standstill. Neither of us could take on more.
I think this is quite normal for married couples and not talked about enough.
When each partner is working in whatever capacity that may be, there is a lot of tension built up. When you're experiencing burnout and you want help with logistical planning, extended family issues, and how you divide time on the weekends. Additionally, you may disagree on how you spend time on the weekends and how do you cope with your partner wanting more of you. On top of that, your kids are sick every other week and it feels like you’re drowning in tasks at work.
I equate the build-up of these feelings are like trying to tackle projects of an entire home. It’s just too much.
A home is a huge endeavor to maintain and keep up.
Our homes typically have a lot of closets. Our home resembles our bodies and our capacity.
We all have several closets in our homes. We stuff those closets with clothes, bedding, linens, toiletries, things we need, and things we don’t need. And, in those closets, we also stuff our feelings, our grief, our discontentment, our resentments, our loneliness, our baggage, and so much more.
So when we arrive at this point in our marriage with our spouse, a full home of kids, so many tasks, full jobs, and little time, where do we go from here?
I think about starting with one closet at a time. It’s the place where we go back to basics.
It begins with us. So that way we can then get back to our partner. We can water our marriage bit by bit.
Of course, many try to do many of these things at the same time but many of us need both individual support and support for our partnership.
Because our experience is different for each of us. So when we think about how we are going to tackle the burning projects of our home. We need to think about ourselves.
How do we prioritize ourselves a little bit in this season so that we can tend to our partner a bit as well?
Some of these closets may look like this to start
Energy Management How are you spending your daily and monthly time?
Time Management: Are you being intentional about the events and activities in your calendar?
Support (Village / Family / Outsourcing) Can you ask for more help?
Mental Load Do we need to re-prioritize this season?
Joy, Is there something that you can do to bring a reboot and offer some joy?
Rest Do you need more downtime in your schedule?
Partnership How can you build in some time to communicate with your partner?
While reflecting on the fact that many #workingparents go from season to another involving their kids in many activities and opportunities, there is little awareness around if the life you’re creating is one of joy and a pace that feels good. While many of your colleagues and friends have overbooked and busy schedules, at the end of the day, how does it feel?
It’s important to think about these closets that you’re tending to on a daily, monthly, and seasonal basis. Creating buffers and ways to allow for unexpected events is not natural for us. We need to understand that creating a busy life doesn't equate to a well-lived life. We don’t live in a slow, mindful culture, but we do have the opportunity to be a bit more intentional and thoughtful about how we manage our energy, family life, and schedules. We do have some control over that.
Sometimes tension and the “rat race” happens when no one is looking. The autopilot of sign-ups and being on the hamster wheel can take over. If you’re finding yourself in the messy middle of marriage tension and parental burnout, I invite you to take a look at these closets.
You don’t have to tackle the master closets. You can begin one by one. You will find as you tend to your own needs and wishes, you can move on to the next closet. It’s a fine-tuning process and one that needs nurturing.
I wish I knew more about tending to all this inner work before getting married and having kids. I didn’t necessarily know how incredibly challenging it would be to manage my energy and capacity as it relates to my family and my spouse. It needs attention, intentionality, and a whole lot of compassion. Raising a young family and juggling work is a huge undertaking. Not many talk about the nuances, the tension that rises, and the build-up of these areas that feel like ‘everything’ is on fire. Going back to basics is available to you. Making a decision that you need to slow down. Being still is uncomfortable for a lot of us. It’s necessary to hear what is going on inside of us and our marriage and our homes. Once we begin to build that in a little bit, we can gain some clarity. Being still is productive for you and your marriage.
It may not come naturally but a practice that will serve you in the long term.
A little goes a long way and as always, it's progress over perfection.
For more coaching tips, support, and community, I invite you to join me here on this motherhood journey.
